20 October, 2010

You're Replaceable

Dearest Pancreas,

We hope you have enjoyed your first 365 days of retirement. Perhaps we would have thrown you a party or given you a 25 years of good service plaque or some other ridiculous token of appreciation had you given us any notice that you were quitting. It has taken some time to adjust to your abrupt departure, but after a year of searching,
we have found a suitable replacement.

As with most things in life that show signs of diminished productivity, we have found a way to replace your basic functions with a smaller, shinier piece of technology. Frankly your appearance was rather dull compared to your replacement, which dons a metallic blue exterior. New Pancreas (NP), also plays riveting monophonic tunes (reminiscent of the early cell phone days) to alert us to its needs; you didn't even bother to leave us a note that you were in need of assistance. NP can perform all of your basic functions with a touc
h of a few buttons, and a few that you never could. For example, NP has a database of the nutritional values of all of our favorite foods, thus allowing us to keep careful track of our carb, fat, protein, and fiber intake. We just might end up more healthy without a working pancreas than we were when you were on the job.

Don't get me wrong, NP has its drawbacks just like any employee does. When you were still functioning we never had to worry about the cat trying to attack you, whereas the tubing on NP has a striking resemblance to a piece of string in the eyes of Jackson. The tubing is also short enough that we have to unclip NP from our belt in order to lower our pants and we then have to determine an appropriate resting spot for NP. Back when y
ou were still on the payroll we never had to ponder where we were going to rest our pancreas while going to the bathroom.

I'm sure you felt like it was the right decision for you when you decided your career was over, and we truly hope you are enjoying a cocktail on some Florida beach with all the other wrinkled has-beens. But if you thought we were just going to shut down and cease to exist without you, you must have grossly overestimated your significance in the overall performance of this body. We will be functioning better than ever with the addition of NP to the team, and with all of its bells and whistles, we doubt we'll ever look back to the antiquated days of your existence.


Dana's working organs

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